Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
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My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
LOOOOOOL
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor