Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
You Might Also Like
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Passwords are more important than ever.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags