In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?