No way!
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
how much does a mortician urn in a year