My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.