“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂