Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You Might Also Like
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
More like Kate Missington.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I’ve had relationships like this
Möther may I have a snäck
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.