Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You Might Also Like
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄