I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Got ya covered
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Every work call, he judges.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
so this horse walks into a bar