doing your own taxes
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
#FunnyLife Insects
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”