Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
You Might Also Like
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig: