The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.