me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
You can’t rush stupid.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.