Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
You Might Also Like
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?