I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
You Might Also Like
Support your local cemetery
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I think I’ll stand