Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
tell em, edith-anne
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.