“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*