“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”