[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…