Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine