It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
these two trucks have the same bed length
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.