The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You Might Also Like
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Baking is just science you can eat.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*