[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
You Might Also Like
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.