[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
This sounds bad:
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.