I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
That 👊
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.