Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
doing some research
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go