*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
🤣😂🤣
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
😬