Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.