Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
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She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally