Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.