Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.