[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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courtroom exchange of the day
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
No way!
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
A roof is a house hat.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree