Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
You Might Also Like
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Yes
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
#CoronaOutbreak
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.