shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.