*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Check your privilege
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Lmao the reply
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.