*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
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My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!