Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
mom gave me mine for free
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Hotels are back
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.