Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person