[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
You Might Also Like
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going