Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?