I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.