the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
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Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.