Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Labreador
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.