(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
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Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”