i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too π§π»ββοΈ
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me: iβm sad about this thing
therapist: but itβs not about that thing
me: ok thx hereβs $175
π€£could you imagine
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Donβt you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
You get what you get and you donβt get upset. Unless youβre me, and then itβs the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Itβs the βroaring 20sβ again so Iβm going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
New tinder profile pic
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
βDammit!β
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.