“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.