CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
spicy snake
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Customize Your Wedding.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.