HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.