DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed