[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show